im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
