I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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