i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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