dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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