I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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