i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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