you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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