She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
