Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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