I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is wine microwaveable?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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