I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
