Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
