I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
