I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
