just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize