She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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