I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
birth control should be required to get into college
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
