Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
