I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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