Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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