he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
