I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
