Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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