a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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