never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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