Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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