He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize