oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
