Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
