i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
