in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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