I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
