I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
