I think my fart just growled at me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
