I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
