peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
barbara walters just said penis...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
pop tarts are not kleenex
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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