You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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