So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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