just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
