Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
