I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
