woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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