he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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