you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
