Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
