if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
