dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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