my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
