hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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