i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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