Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
