Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize