I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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