PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
