Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
