Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
