Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
