So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
