Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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