The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
