my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
