I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
