i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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