I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
